Drama, Drama, Drama Aging Parents Saturday, Apr 10 2010 

Beginner Blogs and Complaints and Elder Issues , , , , kwlaff 3:36 am

I have several excuses for why I have not written ‘blogged’ in a while.  Not that anyone cares.  I happen to be suffering from a bad case of spring pollen fever right now and don’t feel well, so my whining might show up in my blog tone.  My best excuse is a computer versus that wiped out my system, or should I say the cure caused me to have to wipe out my system, and I am slowly reinstalling things I had backed up.  Always back things up!

Next-At the beginning of February, on a Friday evening, as I was heading to dinner with friends, I received a call from my mother saying that my father was being admitted to the hospital for observation.  It wasn’t any big deal, but it would be good if I could come over and help her out.  She was vague on what ‘help’ she wanted and the overall tone along with the vagueness of her request was strange.

You might be thinking, but of course a daughter would drop what she was doing and run to the hospital when a situation like this pops up..but of course.  The background of the situation is much more complicated and suffice it to say that both of my brothers and I have parent issues that wouldn’t necessarily lead to that automatic occurence.  I think it is safe to say that overall neither of my siblings or I are ‘close’ to our parents.  But I digress.

Regardless, when Mom called and asked, I stated I’d come and I did.  I called my husband, the famous S of the Belle story included on this blog, and told him to go on to dinner without me. When I arrived at the hospital it was immediately apparent the situation was chaos.  My almost 75 year old father was in distress, vomiting, dizzy, amount other things, and my mother was not able to provide some of the simplest information the doctors needed regarding his medical history which is long and complicated and which she knows, quite well.  If there is one things my brothers and I agree on is that our mother can go on forever regarding the smallest detail of anything slightly medical, to the point that all of us stop listening the second she starts it up. However, this time, when I asked (which all by itself should have been a clue) about details regarding how this situation had come to pass, she was vague and distracted.

Over the course of the next 5 days, while my fathers condition worsened, was diagnosed, and then treated, I took control, as my Mother displayed all the signs I have feared  and have witnessed before.  Her short-term memory is failing.  I’ve guess I’ve known it, the small signs have been there all along but I guess I just didn’t want to belive it could happen. (again) But it is.

During the last several years Mom has become almost a hermit in the house.  She only leaves when she has too, and that is rare.  Doctor appointments, things like that.  Dad is the outside world, does the shopping, runs the errands.  With his new diagnosis, he cannot do that anymore.  He has seizures and is on mediation.  So now ‘their’ independence  is threatened.  And it gets better.

After all the hell we went through, Dad, with help from Mom has decided that he doesn’t need the new medication, and when going to the follow-up doctor, who had never seen him before and did not have his medical records, didn’t exactly tell him the truth about the circumstances surrounding the hospital diagnosis.  I was supposed to go to the appointment with them, but they changed it and went without me.  Then omitted the information.  The doctor wont talk to me until Dad gives permission.  Mom doesn’t recall all (or should I say any) of the details of the appointments and Dad only hears what he wants to hear.

I want to scream. I’ve discussed the situation with my brothers, via email, believe it or not.  And based on the way we are, that is probably best.

So after two months, here I am, waiting for my father to give his doctor permission for me to speak with the doctor about him.  I Have spoken with my mother about possible testing for her, pointing out some changes I’ve seen, giving examples, of why I think she should be tested for memory loss.  And here I sit wondering if my whole adult life is going to be swallowed up by caring for an elderly parent.  We took care of Belle for years and now, are we moving into a new phase with my parents?

Can I do this again? I really don’t know.

 

Weddings! Expensive! Sunday, Jan 31 2010 

Beginner Blogs and Complaints and Musing , , kwlaff 3:39 am

OMG!  I cannot believe how expensive anything labeled ‘wedding’ is!  Doesn’t matter if is ordinary or not.  If it is attached to a wedding or labeled ’wedding’, the cost goes up.  Period.

We are helping plan a wedding.  Or should I say we are planning a wedding and making it look like we aren’t making all the decisions.  My spouse (remember  S?) is good at this type of thing, organization, and has basically taken over being the wedding planner.  I am good at colors and such.  And the fact the wedding will be at our house….that’s a different piece of the story….but also part of the reason we are so involved.

We don’t have any daughters, but figured at some point in our lives we would be paying for a rehearsal dinner.  And in a more traditional society, that might still be the case.  But tradition is out of the window, and that’s okay. S and I got married at a JP, no big or small wedding for us, and we’ve gotten along all these years just fine.  And it appears the days of a small reception in the church rec room with nuts, mints and punch are gone as well.  Nowadays, if everyone isn’t completely stressed out and broke by the time the wedding day arrives, then something has gone wrong it seems.  Our plan is to remain liquid, as unstressed as possible and still have a nice small, pretty wedding that provides the essentials of wedding held to today’s standards without the cost.  Is that possible?  It better be.

Like we do with almost everything else, we say we will ‘hire it out’ and then price it to do just that and decide we can handle it better and less expensively ourselves.  And then we dive in and get’r done.  S starts making lists. He’s a good list maker.  At least this time, he is checking things off the lists he’s made.

The house is designed to open(double doors) from the living and dining room onto the back porch, but even then it is not big enough to hold all the planned quests inside, so the ceremony and reception will be in the backyard and overflow into the house.    The yard is shaded and fenced, but after the recent drought needs some replanting and such, which we are now planning.  (Too cold right now) We want to have as much blooming as possible.  The rest of the blooming plants can be possible by potted plants on the fences and just sitting around.  The tables and chairs have been reserved.  We decided to include a few higher pub style tables for standing at for those that like to mill around.  The tablecloths have been arrived.  I thought it would be a nice touch to hang some coordinating curtains on the porch, and have ordered some.  I am looking for some ribbon to match the colors now for tie backs and other things one would use ribbon for.

S has handled cakes for weddings before and plans on baking for this one as well.  He is taking decorating classes now to up his game.  The cake part will taste good and he wants the decorations to look as good.  The food to be served is still under discussion, although we already have all the items needed to serve it.

Looking at invitations. Tons of options online.  This should be….  ummm ….    fun.

 

Double Life? Really? Wednesday, Jan 6 2010 

Beginner Blogs and Musing , kwlaff 11:01 pm

It’s taken me some time to admit it (and I’m not sure writing it here counts since I’m not admitting to anyone that knows me) but I am leading a semi double life.  And the more I think about it, the more I wonder how many others out there are doing the same thing.

It started innocently enough I suppose.  I do one type of activity with one group of friends.  And other type of activity with another group of friends, which happens to include my husband.  And the two don’t mix.  And I don’t talk about the one group to the other, because I know there would be disapproval.  AND, here I am, at this age and I’ve  never told my parents about one set of friends, once again because of the disapproval factor.  I feel the need to point out it’s nothing sinister, I just know they wouldn’t approve, and I just don’t need/want that situation to cloud anything else.

So in a strange way, I have a “closeted’ life.  There is the life I show to others and the life I don’t.  The life I share with some, and the life I share with others.  The life I talk about, the life I don’t.

My double life.  You want details?  Do you do things you don’t share with others in your life?

I wonder.

 

Santa and the 2 year old Thursday, Dec 17 2009 

Beginner Blogs and Humor , , , kwlaff 10:48 pm

I had high hopes that we’d get his picture with Santa this year, but alas, it was a no go.  My 2 year old grandson ( I call him Little Man) watched as the other kids sat on Santa’s lap and flashes of the camera went off.  After a cookie or two, we finally worked our way close enough to Santa’s bench that I thought I could coax him, but then he turned into water with no bucket and slid to the floor.  At least he didn’t cry.  He wanted to, but he didn’t.

But don’t despair, dear reader, we have a Santa picture this year.  Santa, Granny and Little Man are all in the picture, with Little Man on Granny’s lap.  I have one almost like it for his father, except in that picture it is easy to see that the child has been crying and I am much, much younger.  

Oh well. Maybe next year.

 

Shades of the Past-OMG Monday, Nov 30 2009 

Beginner Blogs and Elder Issues , , , , , kwlaff 6:54 pm

My parents were here for Tday.  Both did several things that semi proved to Scott that my concerns over the recent changes in behaviors are not completely unfounded.  We’ve been down this path before with his Mom and Aunt, and to some degree with my Gma and even in full denial mode, its hard to let it in.  I just want to scream “not again”. Please.  I’ve done my time. Am I really going to spend my whole adult life doing this?

Dad talked the entire time they were there.  All the stories were old, childhood, early marriage, when I was a kid etc.  All the stories we all know by heart, word for word. Except this time, parts of each stories were missing.  He’d start in the middle, so if one did not know the rest of the story one would have been lost.  We weren’t, but that’s not the point.  No one else could get a word in to have any conversation because he wouldn’t/couldn’t stop talking.  It’s always been bad that way, but this was the worst yet.  It was really unpleasant and the evening did not last very long because of it

And Mom.  I think this part was what got to me the most.  On two separate occasions Mom couldn’t carry out simple requests asked of her.  It was dejavu.  Like watching my mother in law all over again.  Keep in mind, if you haven’t read any of the  story I’ve been posting, I spent  quite a bit of time in close contact with someone suffering from dementia.  I know what the dazed confused body movements and facial expressions look like.  I saw it daily for over 12 years. And with both situations on Tday, I felt fear. And dread.

The first: Mom had been asking how she could help out.  So Scott gave her a job.  Scott asked Mom to fold the napkins for the table settings.  She asked how he would like them folded.  He said it did not matter.  She took the stack of napkins, moved them in front of her at the table, then moved them to the lazy susan we have in the middle of the table.  Then straightened them into a nice stack.  Then moved them again, this time to the counter. They where never folded.  They traveled from surface to surface repeatedly, but never managed to ever get folded. 

The second.  There was a basket of towels that needed to be moved out of the kitchen and instead of putting them up (after watching the napkins move around) I just asked her to move the basket into the red room.  (We have two extra bedrooms, one we call the blue room, one the red room.  They are just off the kitchen with the bathroom in between them, in view of the kitchen.) Mom was happy to help, picked up the basket and headed off in the correct direction.  She then headed straight into the bathroom, which is past the turn to the bedrooms and stood in the bathroom holding the basket.  I could see her from the kitchen, standing there, still, trying to think it through.  She came back out of the bathroom, very slowly, exaggerated slowness, looked around, again very slowly,  and then went back in to the bathroom (again past the hall to the red room), hesitated and slowly placed the basket of towels in the bathtub.  I watched all this while I peeled potatoes.  I waited to see if she’d come back out and ask about the red room, or say something to let me know she couldnt’ find it, maybe explain why she put the basket of towels in the bathtub and not the red room as instructed.  She did not. I did not point out the misplacement.  I did just do as we used to do with my mother in law, which was move it once she was not looking.    I watched Mom come out of the bathroom and mix in with the others.  She didn’t mention the basket. 

I finished my kitchen task and headed toward the bathroom to move the towels.  She followed and quietly asked, where did you want the towels to go?  I opened the door to the red room (it’s about three steps from the bathroom door)  and moved the towels into the room.  She murmured she couldn’t recall.

Are either of these things the end of the world?  Nope.  Do either of them mean a thing in the big scheme of things.  Probably not.  Have I seen this type of thing before?  Yes, I have.  Am I  worried about it?  Yes, I am.

I told Scott I was in for each step of his Mom’s trek and I cannot do this one without his total buy in.  When I tell him I need ‘x’, I need it.   He said ok.  Do I need to start repeating to myself, it’s not their/her fault?  Maybe.

 

Tis the Season…Stress Out…Tday Plans….Vote yes for Pie Wednesday, Nov 25 2009 

Beginner Blogs , , kwlaff 9:15 pm

I don’t recall the ‘season’ being so stressful when I was a child, but then again my small slightly dysfunctional family didn’t live around the rest of the larger dysfunctional family, so maybe we didn’t get the larger nuclear blasts.  Or maybe the holidays didn’t come with so much expectation.  All I know for sure is that the holidays are now stressful and not as much fun as I think it should be by definition.  The tension starts when we have to figure out where Thanksgiving will be, which side of what family will be doing what with whom.  His side and my side rarely tangled well-so we’ve always avoid having them tangle and now the family has expanded with married ins.  Our kids are grown, so we mix in their new other halves and families, which may or may not have multiple steps involved.  At least with Scott and I, we did not have split family situations to include.  It was just his pushy, bossy ‘want it all’ side and my quiet, reserved side.  (okay that was a little dig).  I wonder if there are more stressed out holidays than pleasant, peaceful holidays out there.  And I also wonder how much of the stress is self-induced.

We are having Tday at our house this year.  It’s not really much of a mix of sides this time, since none of ‘his’ side will be here (that I know of, so far, yet, things could change, it’s still early).  My parental units, one of my brothers and his family, one of our sons and his family (including his mother in law) will be here for Tday.   Enough to make it interesting.  The strange part is, we volunteered.  Crazy, I know.  Obviously we were not thinking.  Brought this down on ourselves. Scott has started baking…he’s the cook, not me…and the place smells wonderful.  I’m cleaning (when not blogging).

We see much more of his family than mine.  That is to say we are more involved with his family than mine.  So although I see/talk to my parents quite a bit, I am not in touch with either of my brothers very much, and haven’t seen either of them since August, even though we all live around the same area.  And August was because a niece got married, otherwise it would have been last Tday.  Yes, that is shades of dysfunctional.  We don’t fight or anything.  Actually, that’s it.  We don’t do anything.  Never have been quite sure why.  But everyone is busy, right?

The signs of stress are showing. And I know it will get worse before it gets better.  So, today is house cleaning and stuff.  And trying to decide what ‘story’ to tell for why our other son will not be around for the gathering.  Because it is not anybody’s business. But it will be glaring that he is not here. And will add to the stress.  I’m just sayin’.

Scott says he recalls when he was a kid Tday was all about hunting.  The men would all go hunting for the whole week if possible.  If they couldn’t be there the whole week, it would be come and go sort of thing, with the ‘women’ showing up for Tday only, with food.  When our boys were young, Scott and male relatives used to go hunting over the holidays sometimes.  They didn’t ever come back with anything and I never got the impression it was really about actually killing anything anyway.  Maybe it was just the old fashion way men did man type things.  Oh well, doesn’t really matter much now.  It’s about football and pie now.  I vote yes on pie. You?

 

New Twists and Turns Saturday, Nov 21 2009 

Beginner Blogs , , , kwlaff 2:11 pm

My parents are aging. I’ve kidded them for years that I’ve done my time with taking care of people that need care and so they just can’t need any assistance.  Hands down.  That’s it.  Before my mother in law’s situation came to be, there were two other situations that my husband and I were deeply involved  in.  One was his aunt (He was POA and in charge of her care for 8 years).  One was my grandmother (assisted my mother with a failing health and dementia/guardianship situation in another state). Both were lengthy and emotionally draining.   Sometimes it feels like my whole adult life has been, in one way or another, touched by taking care of  or assisting with an elderly situation.  So I’ve kidded my Mom for several years now that they just can’t need any help.

So, now it’s become pretty obvious that they are both have issues.  Dad, health and memory and Mom memory.  I’ve known it for some time, but the denial factor has been working overtime.  Really working overtime.  But on the phone yesterday and coupled with another phone conversation today, something just trickled over the edge, and I have to admit, out loud, that I know it.  It’s not time to commit anyone.  But it’s time to face it, the issues are there.  And I’ve been down this road before.  And, at the risk of sounding completely and totally selfish, I ask myself, can I do this again?

 

Checkin’ In Friday, Nov 13 2009 

Beginner Blogs , kwlaff 11:20 pm

No Fables, No Stories, just me.  Practicing blogging.

It’s been a long week.  Even with the day off in the middle.  I’m looking forward to the weekend.  We’ve recently had some interior work completed in the house and the place was pretty torn up, dusty, items out of place etc, and we’ve just started trying to put things right.  I plan to spend some time this weekend working on that, and trying to make the place look like normal people live there again.   Normal being relative and all. 

Dinner tonight is standard Friday night fare. It’s with the Friday Night Supper Club.  I’ll drive straight to the restaurant from work on tonight.  I won’t have time to make it home first. We have five couples in the group and each Friday night we eat together.  Sometimes one or more of the couples cannot make it, and that’s fine.  Sometimes a husband or wife cannot make it and that’s fine too.  Whoever can make it is there and whoever cannot make it is not.  We switch around to different restaurants.  Repeating the places we like, skipping the ones we don’t.   We’ve been friends long enough now, and eating together long enough now to know each other pretty well and we always have fun.  We all have much in common, kids about the same age etc, and at the same time not so much in common. There is always much to talk about.    We are lucky to have friends and this night out each week. 

Short practice session.

 

The Blog, The Book Wednesday, Nov 4 2009 

Beginner Blogs , kwlaff 7:22 pm

Since my first post, I’ve been thinking about what direction this blog could head.  Since I am not an experienced blog designer, I’ve read some background info on design and such and realized I could set up difference categories and tags.  This has given me an idea for one use for this blog in addition to just my daily musing, opinions (of which I have many) and rantings.  I’ve been married a long time and since he doesn’t want to listen to me carry on ( I think I can actually hear the click when he tunes me out), I figured I’d just blog it on out. 

 Then it came to me, in addition to that—I’ll put my little book out here.   Am I brave enough to do that?

 About a year ago I wrote a short book.  It details, from my point of view, my family’s trip through Alzheimers with my husband’s mother.  I wrote most of it before she passed away, but finished it up after she passed away October of 2008.   

So, I’ve created a category labeled Alzheimers Story.  As I proof each chapter, and change the names to protect the innocent and guilty, I’ll begin to post.  Everyone has a story.  This book is part of ours.

 

A New Day, A New Thing Monday, Nov 2 2009 

Beginner Blogs kwlaff 9:33 pm

So, how many people have started a blog with, I’ve never done this before, or this is all new to me?  Okay, no need to answer that.  I am not the first, nor will I be the last.  I am not the oldest either, although I found as I’ve tried to format this without any prior experience that my age might be playing a factor.  Maybe I should have taken a class.  I’ve posted on blogs before,  so to my way of thinking, how hard can writing one be?    Not that hard.  I’ve read some.

I have no plans for this one.  Some plans may develop as I go along, and when they do, I’ll let you know.  In the meantime, since no one but me is even listening, it really is all about me.  During my life, I have at various times, kept a journal about happenings, musings, thoughts and such.  Although it has been some years since I’ve done that, I find I miss it.  I used to think it was the feel of the pencil or ink touching the paper I liked, or the actual book I used.  I’d spend hours looking for just the right book to start a new journal.  But I did not stick with it after the special book and lovely pen were in place.  So, you might ask, will she stick with this?  Only time will tell.

I’m married, have two grown sons, one grandson.  Both my parents are still alive and kicking and live close enough to me for it to be inconvenient when something is needed.  I’m not complaining (I know it sounded like I was) as my husband would kill to have his parents around, no matter how far away they lived.  I’m a sister, aunt, cousin, sister-in-law, etc.  I have an opinion on almost everything, and if I don”t when the conversation starts, I will by the time it ends.  Some topics I can argue both sides of and if need be, win the debate regardless of the side argued.  It’s tough for me to ‘just let it go’.   I can be kinda pushy. But with that said, I love to have fun.  It is essential to survival.  It doesn’t have to be crazy over the top, in danger of being arrested fun.  But it needs to include smiling and  laughing. 

So, that’s it.  That’s my start.  Short.  Simple.  Hardly like me at all.

 

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