Okay Dude, Stop it Thursday, Sep 27 2012 

Humor and Musing and Uncategorized , , , kwlaff 3:38 pm

My husband, whom I normally refer to as my beloved husband when speaking or writing about him (sarcastic font), is driving me crazy.  He is on a business trip to Sedona, Arizona, a trip originally proposed with me tagging along.  I SO wanted to go.  However, work intervened and my availability was removed, and I could not go.  Which, from my point of view was a bummer.  BIG bummer.  BIG, BIG bummer.  So, he packed up and flew out on Tuesday.  Into a pretty and cool world of the Arizona red rocks.   That night he called to check in, telling me how great the spa style hotel was and how big the soaking tub in his room was.  Blah, Blah, Blah.

Then on Wednesday, he called to check in, telling me how great the weather was, how lovely the view was, how great the scenery was, and followed up with pictures.

View of a Sedona Rock

Really?  I’m at work each day, dealing with, well, stuff, and he’s …well, vacationing.  His check in yesterday was all about taking a drive on one of the most scenic routes available up to Flagstaff  (“gorgeous, just gorgeous”)  and enjoying the evening air on the drive back.  I’m glad he is enjoying himself, but does he have to torture me with his good fortune in the process?  Dude, stop it!

 

What’s the Deal with Age? Tuesday, Sep 25 2012 

Beginner Blogs and Elder Issues and Grandchildren and Humor and Musing , , , , , kwlaff 5:16 pm

I’ve spent a lot of time recently thinking about my age.  Not because I feel old or that I am worried about my age. In fact, it is quite the opposite.  I don’t feel old, and I am not worried about my age.  I have found out recently that others appear to be worried about my age.  And I find that amusing.

All those platitudes about you are only as old as you feel and act young to stay young are things old people say.  The young people still cling to the idea that youth and acting young is for the young and  many look down their noses at someone my age (I have passed the 50 mark, but have not hit the middle of that decade) enjoying the same activities I did while in my forties or thirties.  Why would I suddenly stop liking some of the same stuff, I wonder?  But it really seems to befuddle some of the ‘grown-ups’ in that age group.

I do not have the desire to do the same things I did back then as often as I did back then, but not because I cannot.  It’s actually because my life is too busy to fit it all in, not because my advanced age makes me too tired, as the ones worrying about my age seem to imply.  My job is hectic and I shoulder more responsibility than I did during my 30’s and 40’s. I am still upwardly mobile in my career.  I upgraded my living arrangements from the average city dwelling to the home of my dreams in the country and the compute takes a bit longer, which is good in some ways and bad in others.  I have a grandchild that I adore and I spend as much time with him as I can.  I’ve bought into the whole social media scene and I’m online more than I should be.   I found out I love genealogy, and have become an addict.  (Intervention might be in my future.)  I own a second home about 4 hours away for relaxation and down time.  I have aging parents that require attention.  All that takes time, so I’ve shifted, adjusted and squeezed as much as I can into the space allotted me.  So, yes, I still do many of the ‘old’ things I used to do, just not with the same frequency that I used to do them.  And some of them are much less important as my ‘age’ (I prefer ‘wisdom’) has allowed me to determine some of those just don’t rate as high on the enjoyment meter any longer.

So bottom line, worriers, don’t worry. Yes, I’m older than I used to be.  Who isn’t?  However, just because you continue to indulge in the same activities at the same pace, and I’ve slacked off those activities, doesn’t mean I’m tired, ill or out of pace with the world.  It means my life is full of other interesting things and activities I like and people I love.  It means I’m putting my experiences to good use.  It means I am vital and alive.  It means I’m not worried.

Now where are my keys?

 

Time in a Bottle Wednesday, Jul 11 2012 

Beginner Blogs and Humor and Musing , , , kwlaff 7:02 pm

I never thought I would live this long.  Pretty simple.  Until I turned forty, I never envisioned a life after forty.  I still find it difficult to picture a future of any kind for myself.  I worry about the future for those I care about, fret about the impact their mistakes have on their future.  But my future is rarely part of the vision.

When I was about fourteen I visited a fortune-teller at a local carnival with a group of friends.  I didn’t want to spend any money on something like that, not having expendable funds like my friends had, and only gave in after the peer pressure became more than I wanted to bear. I wanted to be liked afterall.  The rest of the group received glowing fortunes involving tall, dark, handsome men, with love and riches in their futures.  I went last, hoping that interest would be lost before my money was spent, and we could move on.  But, as luck would have it, I wasn’t going to be able to talk or wait my way out of this situation and my palm was read.  The gypsy/witch/whatever she was supposed to be passed her hand and fingertips over my palm and told me to enjoy life while I had the time, as time was short.  What?  I remember thinking. What? They all get tall, dark and handsome, and I get ‘live while you can’?  The group of friends I was with all laughed and the game was over.  I was miffed my money was gone for that but happy to be part of the experience, part of the group.  And we moved on to the next ride.  Did I believe my fortune that day, let it stink in a bit, and not see a future for myself?  No, I didn’t.  I knew it was small time carnival non sense and it had no impact at all.  No one at that age pictures themselves ‘old’.  We all know that at fourteen, twenty is old.

As the years passed and the topic of the future would ripple through conversations, I began to realize, I was never in any vision of the future.  I can easily see my husband, my children, and others, but not myself.  I became more and more interested in the past and the mark one leaves on those around them.  (This is still something that interests me.)

I sometimes wonder if I have lived my life differently than I would have if I could picture myself older, living into my very senior years.  I wonder if I would have embarked on my ‘double’ life if I thought I had a happy senior life awaiting me. Or has my inability impacted anything at all?

 

Goodbye Sunday, May 13 2012 

Beginner Blogs and Cancer and Elder Issues , , , kwlaff 8:30 pm

We knew it would happen, and we knew it would happen quickly, but it was still difficult to get the news that my husband’s brother had passed away.  And now he has been gone since the beginning of February.   And our lives have just kept on going.   It is strange to have someone that close to you, a sibling, be gone and your life just keep going, almost like nothing has changed.

We have a family reunion coming up next weekend, and when we are in small town East Texas, we always visit the resting place of my husband’s parents, one set of grandparents, and one sister (that passed before my husband was born) and now his oldest brother.  The stone is in place.  It will be hard and confirm in granite the reality of what we know to be so rudely true.

 

 

Visit Monday, Jan 30 2012 

Beginner Blogs and Cancer and Elder Issues and Musing , , , kwlaff 3:26 am

We drove over to visit my brother in law yesterday.  About four hours one way.  He is not doing well, and basically we’ve been told it is just a matter of time.  His body is failing, and the main goal now is to manage the medications so he doesn’t feel any pain.  He is in a facility, what in the old days would have been called a nursing home.  He has a semi private room.   It was pretty depressing.  Not just his situation, which was awful enough, but the whole place.  The people there.  It’s not the fault of anyone, the place itself was clean and as cheery as one can make a place full of very sick or incapacitated people.  What was depressing was the craving for contact that so obviously radiated from so many of the people.  We had our 4 year old grandson with us, and most of the people at the home reacted to a child being present.  He spoke to everyone as he walked by ‘hi’ on the way to the room, ‘bye’ on the way out, he roamed the halls, he found the entertainment room, which had a pool table in it and rolled the balls into the pockets as patients watched and smiled.  A tiny bright spot in the day perhaps.

My brother in law is no longer able to move around and made no effort to do so while we were there. He drifted in and out of sleep, mainly due to the meds, and would join the conversation with a comment from time to time.  He seemed to be aware of his surroundings, and who everyone was.  But he hardly ate at all, and from what I’ve been told, that has become the norm. I won’t list all the things are are going wrong.

Diagnosis August.  That is not so long ago, and here we are.  Watching him die. Were all those years of smoking worth this? A body riddled with cancer and pain?  It is easy to say the words that smoking causes cancer.  It is not easy to see the reality.  It is not easy to see the consequences of the action.  And I am certain it is not easy to experience it first hand, as he has too.  Quit smoking.

 

Wake Up Call Sunday, Aug 21 2011 

Cancer and Elder Issues , , kwlaff 7:26 pm

We made the drive to visit with my brother in law and his family and discuss how we could assist with all the things that need to happen as part of his financial needs and physical needs.  It was not a fun trip, and my stress level, even after returning home late last night remains at DEFCON 5.

If you smoke, stop.  If you have a loved one or friend that smokes, ask them (nicely) to stop.  Time to repair the damage is needed.  For my brother in law, there is no time.

Some families pull together in crisis, some do not.  Some try but are not successful.  The jury is out on how this family will be able to handle the downward pressure being applied to it. The baggage of the past interferes with the present, and adults frozen in immaturity by real or imagined slights react to pressure in unpredictable, unproductive and inappropriate ways.  In the midst of this chaos, a man tries to come to grips with the fact that his life will soon be over.  His regrets are plain to see and play out in the dysfunction that surrounds him.  It is heartbreaking.

 

What If It Was You That Got The Bad News….? Friday, Aug 5 2011 

Beginner Blogs and Cancer and Elder Issues and Musing , , kwlaff 3:09 pm

It is like a bad made for TV movie. And yet it is real life.

We got a call early last week that my brother in law was in the hospital. He went to the emergency room due to a long bout with severe pain. We happened to be in East Texas for a funeral, the uncle of my husband and his brother, when the call came in. So instead of being 4 hours away, we were a little over an hour away driving time from him. Instead of heading directly home after the funeral service, we drove up check on him. Mike had already told us he was not up to attending the uncle’s service but we didn’t know (nor did he) that his situation was hospital bound. So many relatives had been at the service and passing through the area on their way home, that Mike was flooded with visitors all that afternoon. A true revolving door of visitors. It made the afternoon rough for those of us that already had received the news.

The tests being conducted had returned shocking results. Cancer. Lung and liver at the least, maybe esophageal. Inoperable. Just too may lesions in too many places. Aggressive. Has already spread to multiple organs. Needs more tests to determine where it started (Lung to liver? Liver to lung? Esophagus to lung to liver?) but regardless treatment would just prolong life a brief time, not cure the cancer. Pain management is the answer for the immediate and long term need.

As Mike’s two children, three of his siblings and some miscellaneous in-laws tried to absorb the news, emotions ran high. Everyone had an opinion on the course of action to take next. Very few in the group gathered near the same page of discussion. Even what to tell Mike was not agreed upon, as it turns out, he was not in the loop regarding the severity of the situation and his two grown children could not agree on a course of action. The hodgepodge group in the lobby of the hospital must have made a site to passersby. I doubt hospital staff was phased. They probably see it all the time. Dysfunction at its best. (Mike’s grown children are just a few years younger than my husband and I, and their relationship with the father has been on again off again for years.)

We are waiting on more testing results and trying to be optimistic. In the meantime, guess what? Our lives have not changed. We go about our lives just the same as we did the week before this news came to us. Meanwhile, four hours away, Mike is grappling with life and death decisions and getting the paperwork of his life, his ‘affairs’ in order. It is all so unfair.

There have been several occasions lately that have reminded me that I do not control when I leave this life. My husband and I happen to live just off a small state highway with a very high recent death toll on it and all the accidents have occurred within a quarter mile of our subdivision entrance. I met a friend’s friend at a party on a Saturday night. And she died the following Wednesday due to injuries from an auto accident. My husband’s uncle fell and hit his head in the bathroom and never recovered. Life is fragile in so many ways.

 

Chapter Thirty Two-Alzheimers Story-Last Chapter Saturday, Jul 9 2011 

Alzheimers Story and Beginner Blogs and Elder Issues , , , kwlaff 11:22 pm

But I Already Have My Lipstick On: Our story of dealing with Alzheimers

Chapter Thirty-Two

It is now the fall of 2008. The last event I’ve written about occurred 4 years ago. And it has been a long journey. We’ve been through emergency room visits and hospitalizations during which it was apparent the hospital care giver had no idea how to handle a dementia patient. (For the record, talking louder doesn’t help and the answers provided by the patient cannot be relied upon to make medical decisions.) We’ve been through various medications hoping for mental ability improvements only to again face disappointment. We’ve been through disagreements regarding maintaining all of Belle’s preventive medications for other medical issues and wondering why we should try to keep a body healthy for a mind that is no longer able to function. Although the subject had been discussion several times over the past 4 years, it wasn’t until about a year ago, after consultation with Belle’s doctor that we made the decision to stop all of her medications except her blood pressure control medication.

We’ve been through the questions and concerns of relatives that did not understand why we didn’t bring Belle to reunions or gatherings anymore. Their misunderstanding of Belle’s abilities and situation was painful to us. We would have loved for her to have been able to travel with us so she could visit with her family. It became easier for us not to attend than to explain her absence or spend the visit describing her declining situation.

We’ve been through holiday gatherings that included Belle and then suddenly, in 2007, the first Christmas that did not. In 2007, her caregivers told us it would really be too difficult on her to travel to our home for the holidays. It was a harsh reality check.

We’ve witnessed the drop off in cards and calls from friends and relatives regarding how Belle was doing, as she became more disconnected from their busy lives. Visiting Belle became difficult and as time passed, less and less people visited. Any change of any type to her routine and in some instances, a visit was a change, could be stressful for her. One of her favorite pass times, riding along with us in a car and seeing the sites became to difficult, frightening and confusing for her. However, one of her other favorite pastimes stayed with her. Scott installed a porch swing for Belle at the home, as she always loved to swing. So, on warm days, we’d sit with Belle in the back porch, and just swing. Belle always loved to swing.

Belle’s decline was inevitable and had peaks and valleys. For some time after moving to the personal care home Belle knew Scott, if not as her son, as least as someone she loved. Belle also recalled Susan for some time in this same manner. But as the end approached, Belle became a shell of her former self. Although Belle sometimes responded to her name, she no longer recalled anyone. She required assistance to eat, to walk and to do anything connected with self care or survival. Words became rare.

During the winter of 2007, just around Christmas time, we received word from Belle’s doctor that we should consider enrolling Belle in hospice care based on the decline she was displaying. She was not in immediate danger, but her decline was evident and steady. Scott spent time during the holidays speaking with each of his siblings regarding her hospice enrollment, all of which were at our house for Christmas again that year. During February 2008, Scott and I met with the hospice representative and completed her enrollment.

During the summer of 2008, Belle, who although she was still mobile, needed assistance to walk, stumbled while the caregiver was leading her through a doorway. The caregiver tried to catch her and they both went down to the tile floor. Belle’s landing was softened by landing on the caregiver, possibly saving her from broken bones or other more serious injuries. But Belle’s face hit the door jam as she fell, cutting her eyebrow, and severely bruising her check, chin and neck. Scott and Susan, in an effort to reduce the stress of the situation, took her for the injury assessment that required stitches, rather than having her transported by ambulance to the hospital. Belle’s recovery progressed from the bruising and fall remarkably well, but she continued to have TIA episodes and her abilities continued to reduce with each occurrence.

Scott continued regular visits with Belle on weekdays although we rarely visited on weekends or evenings as her decline became more evident. Evenings were difficult because she was normally asleep by the time we got off of work. Weekend visits were a catch 22 for Scott. He dreaded going but felt guilty if he didn’t go. The stress of this internal turmoil caused his gastro issues to resurface. His compromise was daytime visits. Scott stretched his lunch hour a couples of times each week and spent the time in the middle of the day feeding his mother her lunch. Then he returned to work and buried himself in a work project, no longer dwelling on his dread, guilt or grief. We kept moving ahead one day at a time.

When Belle passed away in October 2008, she was 85 years old. I thought I would feel relief at Belle’s passing, and at some level, I guess I did. I felt relief for her, that she was no longer trapped by a mind that no longer worked. I was not, however, prepared for the grief I felt. The Belle I met and known had been gone for many years, and I felt I had already grieved for her loss. But a different Belle had been a part of my life as well, and now that Belle was gone too. I was surprised to find I felt loss for both the Belles I had known. Scott felt fresh grief. He had lost his mother years before, and now that she had passed away, he felt he had lost her for a second time. He misses her in both ways.

Strangely enough, when Belle passed away, she lost the mean illness that had plagued her for so long. At her service, her illness not attend. She was at peace, with her sophisticated style in place, shining. Belle returned to being the wife, mother, sister, daughter, homemaker, activist and teacher.

Reference:

I kept a journal through some of the time frames I’ve included in our story and have included a few exerts here, mainly leading up to our decision to move Belle. The one comment that glares at me from the page could apply to any number of situations, but certainly applies to children trying to care for an Alzheimer’s patient at home. “The end of her life is destroying the middle of ours”. I do not intend to suggest that Belle could control any of the events occurred during this period of our lives, or that everyone will experience what we experienced when dealing with a parent that suffers from Alzheimer’s. But I am certain that in many cases, the emotions I’ve tried to convey while telling our story are similar for other caregivers. My intent is to support those dealing with an illness of a parent, and to let them know that those of us that have been though this completely understand.

June 2002

Things are heading down the path of every day. S seems to be able to handle issues with his mom pretty easily, and I guess I’m doing okay with her too. She manages to come up with new ways to be confused, and we mange to come up with new ways to handle it. I think mainly, we laugh. Not at her, and not when she can see us, although I’ve seen Scott laugh when he asks her about something that she did that was really off the wall, but we do laugh. I am proud of how we’ve done so far. And managed to do, the house and her without help from anyone else. Susan and her husband (don’t go there) have been a huge disappointment. S and I have talked about it and he is resigned to the fact that they are basically useless. He wishes it were different and wishes he could rely on them, but he knows it is not going to happen. Me? I am just mad at them for the immature way they do things and not caring if S crashes under the weight of it all. But, I really have to find a way to let that go.

June 2002

It is so sad to see someone deteriorate in mental capacity. And it must be hard to be that person. I’ve often wondered just how much she understands about what is happening to her. Glimpses of the person she used to be pop out from time to time, but I’d have to say that is occurring with less and less frequency than it use to. I think I have to believe she is not aware of how drastic the changes to her abilities really are. Because the idea that she knows how she is now is almost too much to get my mind around. I think about how difficult it would be if this was happening to me, and how I would feel if I knew it was. And I can say without a doubt that it is not good feeling. I think she used to know, and I know that she knows things are not like they used to be, but she is not aware (I think) of just how far they’ve gone. Sounds like I am talking in circles, but really, I am not.

July 2002

S has been over the edge with frustration and stress. Partly due to the construction, but mostly due to his mom. She often has bad days; days that she doesn’t function as well as what would be considered ‘normal’ for her. But recently a stretch of bad days has indicated to us that she is moving into a new less able stage. However, the up side of that, or however you want to look at it, is that numerous people, including her DR have commented on how much better her disposition is, that she is happier, and her confidence has improved. It appears to get better as her stay with us moves her further from the times with Susan. The down side of this new found confidence is that as her confidence grows, she tries to do things she cannot do safely anymore, which gives us more stress and worry trying to keep her from hurting herself or other things. The fact that she feels better even if she is not improving in her abilities proves that we made the right move by keeping her with us.

When this stuff with Belle was changing with Susan and her husband, they indicated they would remain involved, helping, even having her live with them part time. That has turned out not to be true. They have done nothing, and I mean not one thing with or for Belle since mid April, when they moved on. Not even a Mother’s Day card. I mean absolutely nothing. S and I were not sure whether we wanted them to be involved or not, and certainly Belle’s mind frame is better without them, so our concern was justified, but I cannot fathom not caring enough to even ask or visit, or get a damn card. Susan has always said she was selfish, and I knew she was, but this is even too much for me to believe.

September 2002

Things at home are plodding along. Belle’s abilities have definitely decreased over the last few months. And some of the things she does defy the rational mind.

September 2002

Scott places such high standards on issues regarding Belle that I/us/life tends is lost in the process. The end of her life is destroying the middle of ours. It seems important to say that she should have what she needs to be comfortable and be well taken care of. That is not the issue. The issue is, everything in our lives, and I mean everything, revolves around her and his perception of her needs. Making sure she is comfortable, happy, content, included, not rushed etc is more important than anything else even on the smallest of things. We’ve stopped doing anything as a couple. We are a threesome. Activity must be planned to fit her pace and she must be included in everything, even if she has no clue as to what the activity is. In some cases, even if she knows what the activity is and in her former self would have preferred not to be included, he insists we cannot go/do/whatever without her. Since she moved in, he has asked to have someone watch her for us twice. Once S asked Chuck and his wife to take her for a few hours so we could attend an anniversary party. The other item, S asked Susan to watch her for an evening while I was in San Diego, so he could go out with a friend. Deacon watched her one evening months ago, so S and I could go to a play. The rest is a threesome. So while I do not want to spend all my time at work, I do not want to go home either.

Had a long, long, confused conversation with Belle last week. She again stated she knows she is having ‘problems’ completing things and she just is not able to do what she used to. I asked her if she could give me an example. She said ‘chores’. She cannot seem to finish her ‘chores, you know like dusting’. Of course, I did not tell her she is having difficulty with a hell of a lot more than ‘chores’. I wish I was just worried about dusting. And, not that is needs to be said, but it is not her fault.

November 2002

Belle continues to deteriorate. Even though this is not unexpected, it is still hard to deal with. Her argumentativeness has increased, and she needs help with even the basic functions of self care. In the past, she would not listen to me but S could get her to do what was needed. Now she argues with him and flashes her eyes like a child when told to do something or be assisted with some task. Scott keeps being surprised by this activity, but for me it’s all ‘old’ hap. She’s acted like that for me for some time now. There was one instance last week where Scott started the process for her to go to church, and she was so uncooperative, he stopped, called her ride and canceled. He was so mad, I had to take over, and I basically let her go back to bed. She sleeps more now, and that too is expected from what I understand. As the brain strains to work it tires more easily, thus the extra sleeping. Although I wonder sometimes if her brain is straining to work, as she seems so completely out of it. [I feel the need to stress I know it is not her fault.]

December 2002

I had a brief talk with S about the situation with his mom and her continued decline. It is a subject we have a hard time discussing, as we tend to disagree. When she first came to live with us her abilities still allowed her to help with some things, in a controlled atmosphere. We did our best to allow her to help even if it was very slow and needed review. The situation is such now that she cannot do anything without constant supervision, being told step by step what to do, and still not being able to understand and complete the task at hand. [I am not talking about complicated things, I am talking about clearing the table, folding towels, getting dressed/undressed, taking a shower etc.] I do not want to leave her out of everything, but since she cannot complete anything, the frustration levels skyrocket. She still thinks she can do things, and seems to have no idea that her abilities do not allow her to assist any longer. And doesn’t understand what is happening around her. Minor things like standing in the middle of the kitchen while we try to get dinner on the table or the kitchen cleaned, not moving out of the way [even when asked or told], and not being able to do anything to help. She also will not do anything I ask or tell her to do, but S can say the same thing and she will. I get eyes flashes like a spoiled child.

July 9, 2003

The Home called me today, said Belle was complaining of a headache and generally mopey. Based on the level of activity they keep going, I can understand it. She gets overwhelmed sometimes and it always comes out as she has a headache. I’ll bet because she one of the higher functioning residents, they think she can keep on going and going. She and they are still adjusting and in time, they will understand her limitations. And in time her abilities will continue to decrease.

September 2004

Belle is doing as well as can be expected. We visited with her on Monday evening, taking her out for a burger. She still loves burgers. And finger food is best when eating out, as silverware is not an option in public. But, she even had problems with finger food on Monday. S handled it pretty good, but by the end of the visit, it was obvious that he was taxed. He’s been on medication for depression for a few weeks now, and it seems to be helping.

December 2004

Belle’s brother and sister in law came out for a visit during November. We kept Belle at the house overnight. She never did recall them and I think they were shocked by her appearance and lack of abilities. We’d told them about it before they saw her, but until one sees it for themselves, it is hard to take in. Even now not seeing her in awhile and then taking her somewhere brings it home all over again. It is like the mind doesn’t want to hold on to bad information. Or wants to put a positive spin on things.

February 2006

Belle is declining as is expected. S takes it very hard. She rarely knows anyone and rarely talks. It is too confusing for her to join us for family functions most of the time. The last couple times we’ve tried she’s just had a really bad day.

November 2006

Belle is in a personal care home in closer to us now, making it easier for us to visit without it being an all day event. She continues to decline. I gave up my backyard swing so we could install it at Belle’s, as she still likes to swing. We are trying to locate another swing for our yard. S still feels bad when he visits and bad when he doesn’t. It’s a no win situation.

June 2007

S still shows signs of stress regarding the topic of his mom. He has started going to visit during the week at lunch time. I think it helps because he comes back to work and has to focus on something vs. just letting his mom’s situation rattle around in his head after a weekend visit. When we visit on a weekend, he is very quiet and morose after the visit.

Note for the reader: I’ve tried throughout this story to provide an accurate account of the events as they occurred. But regardless of how the events unraveled, the main point I wanted to impress was that the persons impacted by this disease are far reaching and misunderstood. How the afflicted person declines and how it impacts the lives around them is different with each situation, but many of the feelings –good and bad — for the patient and their loved ones, are the same. A family grieves for a lost loved one that lives but is no longer the person they were.

 

Chapter Thirty One-Alzheimers Story Saturday, Jul 9 2011 

Alzheimers Story and Beginner Blogs and Elder Issues , , , , kwlaff 11:11 pm

But I Already Have My Lipstick On:  Our story of dealing with Alzheimers

Chapter Thirty-One

The atmosphere at the personal care home was more far more conducive for Belle’s needs than her previous home and we fancied we saw some improvement.  She appeared calmer and more at ease. We continued our visits and drives, with chocolate shake treats and dinners out.  If we chose to stay at the home to visit, the back porch was normally where we would visit, watching the birds and listening to the wind chimes.   Scott continued his routine of talking to all the little ladies at the home and they smiled and shined whenever he stopped by.   Our only issue with the home was its location, which was over an hour’s drive from our home.

Christmas of 2004 was our first Christmas in our new home, and Scott thought a family reunion  with his siblings would be nice for his family.  He also felt it might be the last year that Belle recalled her children.  So, we invited his siblings out for Christmas and made plans for Belle to be able to attend.  In the months that had passed since Belle’s move out of our house, Susan had gotten divorced and moved closer to our new home.  Between  our home and hers, we felt we could accommodate the whole group for a holiday visit.

We had a house full. Larry and Emma came down from Wyoming and Mike came over from east Texas.  They all stayed with us. Chuck’s family already had plans out of state, but Chuck’s work schedule was going to limit his ability to spend the holiday with them on the trip.  He decided to stay home and attend the sibling reunion.  Since he lived over an hour away, he also stayed with us during the holidays.   Susan made arrangements to keep Belle overnight at her house on Christmas Eve.  Everything was all set.

On Christmas day 2004, Scott, his siblings, his mother and our two sons spent the day eating watching football and visiting.  Pictures of that Christmas day, ten years after the last Christmas spent together fixing up Belle’s new city home, show a family once again posed in front of a fireplace, older, tired, and glad to be together.  We all thought it might be the last time for this group to enjoy their mother’s company.

 

Forever My Child Thursday, Jul 7 2011 

Beginner Blogs and Complaints and Musing , , kwlaff 10:10 pm

It’s hard to watch a grown ‘child’ be unhappy and not be able to fix it.

When I was younger and I heard ‘old’ people talk about how your child stayed your child no matter how old they got, I had a hard time taking in the concept. I knew I would love my children no matter what, but I thought that once they became adults that, somehow, the parenting part of me would fade away. I thought they would make their mis-steps, and mistakes, have their triumphs and successes. They would be able to build on my life and their life would be better for it. Just as I learned from or was influenced by my parents and my life was better for it. I never dreamed that the natural progression of life would not happen that way.

I married young and I am still married to him. We’ve had plenty of ups and downs, and as I joked on Facebook on the date of our last anniversary, for all those doubters that thought we were too young, I think we are going to make it. I hoped that we set an example of the ebb and flow a marriage takes and somehow that rubbed off on our kids, empowering them to have what it takes to accomplished the same thing.

Now I find I have son with a marriage that is failing. And he is so unhappy, for his family, for his child, for his wife and for himself. I’ve watched as he has dropped 30 lbs in just a few months. He appears worn out, dark circles under his eyes, and lethargic. I can be supportive, listen to him, and such, but I cannot fix the problem.

I find this situation extremely stressful. My head knows the problem is not mine to fix, but my heart doesn’t want him to hurt, so therefore, fixing it becomes something I want to do. And yet, I know I cannot.

And times are different know as well. This age of instant communication makes discord so easy and impersonal. How does one know the tone of any text or email? Now people can argue all day and night and never speak a word to one another. I also find that stressful.

So, I wait, listen and support. I try to understand. I worry. I remain a parent.

 

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