My Random Life

But I Already Have My Lipstick On:  Our story of dealing with Alzheimers

Chapter Three

In addition to Scott’s closeness to his mother, our oldest son Cooper had an extremely close relationship with Jim, or “Papa” as the grandkids called him.  Since Scott’s parents had moved back into our area in 1983, the close relationships between Scott / Belle and Jim / Cooper led to many of our weekends being spent at Jim and Belle’s country home, in addition to the telephone contact during the week.   The impact of this constant interaction on our marriage is other matter that has little relation to this part of our story except as it will later relate to our involvement with Belle.  However, due to the time spent with and talking to Belle, Scott had maintained his intuitive ability to notice when things were slightly off with her.  As time passed, Scott and I advanced from glancing at each other during Belle’s story telling to discussing other unusual behavior.   And with his antennae up, Scott began to notice more little things. Nothing that was noticed was by itself a reason for advanced concern, but the combination of small items began to congeal our suspicion that something wasn’t quite right.

Belle would tell Scott about an event and regale him with details.  When the information transfer was complete, Belle would start all over again, with hardly a breath in the middle, telling, verbatim, the same sequence of events or story as if the information had not already been recited. Don’t misunderstand; we all repeat ourselves, especially if we have told more than one person and cannot recall who we’ve told and who we haven’t.  (We’ve all been there.) But under normal circumstances when it is brought to our attention that the listener is aware of the details of an event, the teller then recalls having already spoken about it, usually with a laugh included.  This was not the case with Belle.   When this happened the first time or two over the phone, Scott mentioned it to me and we wondered out loud between us what was happening.  The details of her stories were slightly different from the stories we’d heard for years, and she was repeating herself. This type of activity was not normal for her. I began to pay more attention to the conversation between Belle and Scott, providing Scott with feedback, verifying that what he thought was happening was indeed happening and that he wasn’t over reacting or making something of nothing.  When Belle began to repeat a story when speaking to Scott in person, we decided Scott should try little things to see if she knew she was repeating her stories. Belle’s reaction caused us more concern.   After the first telling and while launching into the second, Scott would give clues that he had heard the information already, which she did not seem to notice.  Or he would gently remind Belle that she had just told him the story.  When he reminded her, she would stop talking, hesitate, and glance around.  Then a look of confusion or nervousness would pass over her face.  After a beat or two, without saying anything to knowledge his reminder, she would then continue as if he had not said anything, but with an underlying nervousness in her manner that was also uncharacteristic.  The story would be repeated once or twice more with Scott listening patiently.  I used to joke with him that I wished he had that kind of patience with me.  His reply was his standard regarding Belle: “she’s my mother”.

These were also several instances when we relayed information to Belle that she would, at a later date, be absolutely certain we had not told her.  Her insistence would grow into frustration when we would explain the detailed circumstances of when she was told.  Even with this recount of the event, she could normally not recall it.  Our confidence that she had been told would cause her to doubt herself and on each occasion the situation would diffuse with her laughing and commenting that she must be crazy.  Saying she was crazy became a routine comment for any situation that made her uncomfortable.

The months after Jim’s passing where financially difficult, as money was tight until the country house was sold. Scott began to help Belle, on a limited basis, with her budgeting and bill payment.  We attributed her willingness to let Scott assist with this activity, which once again was slightly out of character, to the stress of her changing financial situation.  While reviewing past payments and check register entries, Scott was surprised to find his father’s writing in the register and upon further inspection, that he had actually been paying bills.  During the years of their marriage it had always been Belle’s responsibility to keep the checkbook register and pay the bills, with Jim carrying around a blank check or two in his wallet for use as needed, and hopefully remembering to tell her he had written a check, so she could account for the item.  But reviewing the most recent register and a few previous registers, along with the checks issued, it was obvious that Jim was handling the checkbook.  This circumstance was highly unusual and we wondered what it really meant.   Later on, with 20/20 hindsight, we decided that the changes we were noticing in Belle had been occurring prior to Jim’s death and he had been slowly beginning to cover for her.   But at the time we just asked Belle why he had been handling involved in the checkbook. Belle could not provide a reason for the shift in responsibility, although she did acknowledge it had occurred and that it was about time he took on some of her duties.

Scott and Susan spent more time with Belle then other siblings during the months preceding her move to her new home in the city.   Susan had begun to notice the repeating of information, the forgetfulness and the confusion that seemed to be involved with Belle’s activities and mentioned it to Scott in passing. However, with Belle in good spirits and some of the issues seeming so intangible, the subject dropped and slipped through the crack of daily life.  During the move, which involved all the siblings, Scott asked everyone if anything unusual had occurred, or if anyone had noticed anything out of the ordinary with Belle.  No one mentioned any concerns or anything out of the ordinary.   Life went on.

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But I Already Have My Lipstick On:  Our story of dealing with Alzheimers

Chapter Two

Belle Marie was born to a lumber mill family in 1923, a premature first child named for both her grandmothers.  Her parents never had much money and supported their growing family as many families did in the early part of the 20^th century, the best way they could.  Slim worked whatever job was available usually in the lumber industry and Mae was a homemaker.  Through the years, it was not uncommon for an elderly relative with an illness to stay with the family and for Mae to take care of them until they were better or until they passed.  This situation had a lasting impact on Belle which she would recall and recount in her later years. 

Belle was one of the first in her family to finish high school, although she was already married at the time.  She married Jim in January 1941 during her senior year of high school, a few months before turning 18.  Although they had lived in the same rural area of east Texas all of their lives, their families socialized in different circles and attended different churches.  Belle met Jim through his younger sister, who was a classmate of Belle’s.  Jim was two years older than Belle and was already out of school when they met and began their courtship.  Their relatively short courtship often included double dates with Belle’s younger brother Paul with whom Belle shared a close relationship.  The last two months of Jim and Belle’s courtship occurred via mail while Jim located employment in South Texas and Belle attended school at home.  Letters between the two of them during this time frame display her attachment to Jim and her hopes for their future together.

Their life together, during the over 50 years they were married, had its ups and downs and included some volatile, unsettling times.  After the premature birth and death of their first child, a daughter, their four sons (born in 1942, 1944, 1957 and 1958) and one daughter (1962), witnessed good times and bad, with the bad times including displays of their father’s temper or rumors of his infidelities.  Throughout all of her adult life, while raising her children, attending church, moving from home to home, living at the piney woods farm, and relocating to the big city, Belle strived to become a person other than the lumber mill ‘country’ girl that defined how her life had started and what, under most circumstances, her life would have been destined to remain.  She was determined to be a modern woman, a good person with a refined essence, along with being dedicated to her husband.   

As with many women of her generation that dealt with the double standard of the infidelity of a husband, Jim’s activity impacted her with a direct hit to her self confidence.  Somehow, some way, she seemed to think, at least in those early years, his inability to be faithful to her was her fault. Thus, her focus crystallized on prevention through self improvement.  She took study courses in business, art classes, taught Sunday school and Vacation Bible School and became an active participant the Women’s Republican Club, serving as its president for a time.  She studied interior design through mail order courses and magazines to assist Jim with the family business of home building.  She determined what she considered to be ‘sophisticated’ and strived to achieve this desired sophistication in her dress, manner, conversation, interior design of her home and the behavior of her children.   Appropriate behavior was stressed, as it was important to her what others thought of her and her family and to preserve the appropriate perception of her family that had become a measured part of her self confidence.     

Scott is the youngest son of the family of five siblings, with his only sister Susan being the youngest child.  Throughout his growing up years, he was extremely close to his mother and this closeness continued throughout his adult years.  Scott and his siblings grew up, for the most part, on a working farm, which entailed, as farm life always does, many outside chores.  Living in the custom built farm home in the piney woods of East Texas was ideal for the family that had started with virtually nothing and succeeded.  The family members, regardless of age, pitched in to ensure chores were completed.  Scott, it turns out, was allergic to pine trees and pollen.  As one might deduce, this type of allergy is a problem for someone living in the middle of a national pine forest.  Due to this allergy, some of his chore time changed from outside activities to indoor activity,  assisting his mother with chores, such as cooking.  He had an aptitude for this type of activity and his one on one time with his mother created a close relationship that the passing of time, even years,  did not substantially diminish.  Scott became a son that could easily read his mother’s moods, determine her wishes and anticipate her wants and desires without much conversation between them.  He became her confidant. He knew the nuances of her attitudes, speech and stories.  So, in the weeks and months that followed the death of his father, when the stories and behaviors of his mother began to change, Scott noticed, before the rest of us, that something with Belle seemed slightly amiss.

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But I Already Have My Lipstick On:  Our story of dealing with Alzheimers

Chapter One

We began to notice the changes in Belle, my mother in law, soon after the death of her husband.  Jim’s death was sudden and unexpected at the age of 73.  Belle was 71 at the time and handled the difficult changes in her life with the same calm, efficient, sophisticated manner that people who knew her associated as her style.  Everyone marveled at how well she held it all together.

In the months after Jim’s passing, plans were made to move Belle from the country estate 10 miles from town she and Jim had shared for 10 years, with its large house, large yard, required maintenance and undesired expense, to a more suitable home in the city, which would be closer to us.  With the help of a close family friend that was also a real estate agent, her country home was sold and an appropriate new city home, appropriate both in price range and location was selected and purchased.   Although this move seemed hasty, occurring about 4 months after Jim’s death, Belle, who had already been weary of country life, was ready for the move and welcomed it.  Scott and I welcomed it as well, as most of the yard upkeep and other maintenance of any home Belle owned would fall to us now that Jim was gone.

The selected new home, which was smaller than the country home, needed a few alternations before the final move in to more fully meet Belle’s needs and wants.  My husband Scott took charge of coordinating the projects and during the Christmas season that year, his siblings, Chuck and Susan both of which lived in the area, Mike from East Texas and Larry from Wyoming, converged on the new home and along with moving Belle into her new home, completed the various building and decorating projects.  So much time was spent on the move and getting the projects completed during December of that year that Scott and I did not decorate the outside of our home for Christmas, which was something we did each year without fail.  But, progress on the projects went smoothly and Belle moved into her new home Christmas Day 1994.  The family pictures of that move in day, including one of the five siblings and their mother standing in front of the fireplace, capture the faces of a very tired family.  Although the siblings had a history of discord from time to time, no major flairs up occurred. 

The changes in Belle during this time frame, after the passing of her husband and a major move, both stress events, were not much to notice at first. When the subtle alterations in the details of her regularly recited stories, the stories we’d heard for years, were noticed, my husband and I, would raise an eyebrow and glance at each other from across the room whenever she was in the midst of a story that was now suddenly different.  We mentioned it to each other on a few occasions, found it curious, even joked about it, but the situation did not raise a red flag of any major problem, nor did it cause any type of undue concern.  We merely noted the changes and attributed them to the stress she must be experiencing.

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