What If It Was You That Got The Bad News….? Friday, Aug 5 2011 

Beginner Blogs and Cancer and Elder Issues and Musing , , kwlaff 3:09 pm

It is like a bad made for TV movie. And yet it is real life.

We got a call early last week that my brother in law was in the hospital. He went to the emergency room due to a long bout with severe pain. We happened to be in East Texas for a funeral, the uncle of my husband and his brother, when the call came in. So instead of being 4 hours away, we were a little over an hour away driving time from him. Instead of heading directly home after the funeral service, we drove up check on him. Mike had already told us he was not up to attending the uncle’s service but we didn’t know (nor did he) that his situation was hospital bound. So many relatives had been at the service and passing through the area on their way home, that Mike was flooded with visitors all that afternoon. A true revolving door of visitors. It made the afternoon rough for those of us that already had received the news.

The tests being conducted had returned shocking results. Cancer. Lung and liver at the least, maybe esophageal. Inoperable. Just too may lesions in too many places. Aggressive. Has already spread to multiple organs. Needs more tests to determine where it started (Lung to liver? Liver to lung? Esophagus to lung to liver?) but regardless treatment would just prolong life a brief time, not cure the cancer. Pain management is the answer for the immediate and long term need.

As Mike’s two children, three of his siblings and some miscellaneous in-laws tried to absorb the news, emotions ran high. Everyone had an opinion on the course of action to take next. Very few in the group gathered near the same page of discussion. Even what to tell Mike was not agreed upon, as it turns out, he was not in the loop regarding the severity of the situation and his two grown children could not agree on a course of action. The hodgepodge group in the lobby of the hospital must have made a site to passersby. I doubt hospital staff was phased. They probably see it all the time. Dysfunction at its best. (Mike’s grown children are just a few years younger than my husband and I, and their relationship with the father has been on again off again for years.)

We are waiting on more testing results and trying to be optimistic. In the meantime, guess what? Our lives have not changed. We go about our lives just the same as we did the week before this news came to us. Meanwhile, four hours away, Mike is grappling with life and death decisions and getting the paperwork of his life, his ‘affairs’ in order. It is all so unfair.

There have been several occasions lately that have reminded me that I do not control when I leave this life. My husband and I happen to live just off a small state highway with a very high recent death toll on it and all the accidents have occurred within a quarter mile of our subdivision entrance. I met a friend’s friend at a party on a Saturday night. And she died the following Wednesday due to injuries from an auto accident. My husband’s uncle fell and hit his head in the bathroom and never recovered. Life is fragile in so many ways.

 

Forever My Child Thursday, Jul 7 2011 

Beginner Blogs and Complaints and Musing , , kwlaff 10:10 pm

It’s hard to watch a grown ‘child’ be unhappy and not be able to fix it.

When I was younger and I heard ‘old’ people talk about how your child stayed your child no matter how old they got, I had a hard time taking in the concept. I knew I would love my children no matter what, but I thought that once they became adults that, somehow, the parenting part of me would fade away. I thought they would make their mis-steps, and mistakes, have their triumphs and successes. They would be able to build on my life and their life would be better for it. Just as I learned from or was influenced by my parents and my life was better for it. I never dreamed that the natural progression of life would not happen that way.

I married young and I am still married to him. We’ve had plenty of ups and downs, and as I joked on Facebook on the date of our last anniversary, for all those doubters that thought we were too young, I think we are going to make it. I hoped that we set an example of the ebb and flow a marriage takes and somehow that rubbed off on our kids, empowering them to have what it takes to accomplished the same thing.

Now I find I have son with a marriage that is failing. And he is so unhappy, for his family, for his child, for his wife and for himself. I’ve watched as he has dropped 30 lbs in just a few months. He appears worn out, dark circles under his eyes, and lethargic. I can be supportive, listen to him, and such, but I cannot fix the problem.

I find this situation extremely stressful. My head knows the problem is not mine to fix, but my heart doesn’t want him to hurt, so therefore, fixing it becomes something I want to do. And yet, I know I cannot.

And times are different know as well. This age of instant communication makes discord so easy and impersonal. How does one know the tone of any text or email? Now people can argue all day and night and never speak a word to one another. I also find that stressful.

So, I wait, listen and support. I try to understand. I worry. I remain a parent.

 

Holidays Over Too Soon Monday, Jan 10 2011 

Beginner Blogs and Humor and Musing , , kwlaff 9:08 pm

Yes, I said it.  The holiday season just raced by and I wasn’t ready for it to leave.  I am still not.  It is not about the gifts or the shopping.  It is the lights and special treats.  We finally took down the outside lights this weekend, but that is just because the weather is suppose to really turn bad this week. Until they came down, they were lit each night.  I liked pulling up in front of the house each nigh after work (in the dark, BTW) and seeing the lights on. The inside decorations are still up, and we are still enjoying to sparkle of the tree. When the grandson comes over the first thing he does is ‘click’ to turn them on, if they happen not to be on.  The season is just too short.  I promise to have the tree down by Valentine’s day. 🙂

 

Giving a Little Thursday, Dec 16 2010 

Beginner Blogs and Elder Issues and Musing , , , , kwlaff 7:20 pm

Cookies.  Sounds simple.  When the lady from the retirement home (that’s the politically correct name for it these days right?) called and asked if we’d be willing to bake cookies again for the holiday party, we said yes.  Last year, we baked cookies for the Christmas party they have each year.  This year we did Thanksgiving  and now again Christmas.  Chocolate chip and peanut butter, regular and sugarless. Non-sugar?  What’s the correct term?  Anyway, spent last night baking endless cookies, dozens and dozens and we are not done yet.  Did you know that you can buy sugar-free brown sugar?  Well you can.  It’s costly,  just as the sugar-free sugar is more costly, but we do not need to make as many sugar free (that’s the term!) cookies as regular.  We have a killer chocolate chip cookie recipe.  Hope we still feel like making some for the holidays after all this baking.  But it feels good to help someone else out.  Give back a little.

 

Santa and the 3 year old Tuesday, Dec 14 2010 

Beginner Blogs and Grandchildren and Humor and Musing , , kwlaff 7:02 pm

HA! What a difference a year makes!  When Santa arrived at the park, I figured we would need to work up sitting on his lap.  After all the excitement of the arrival and Santa calling out Little Man’s name as he went by (pretty awesome!), I scooped Little Man up and asked him if he wanted to tell Santa what he wanted for Christmas and he said yes. So we made our way to the pavilion and I set Little Man back on his feet so he could see the other kids and Santa.  I was ready for the coaching session.  But it was all for naught. He was more than ready and I actually had to hold him back from racing into the pictures being taken of the child on Santa’s lap at that moment.  But Little Man made his turn next and he climbed on up, smiled and enjoyed the pictures and attention.  When Santa asked him what he wanted he clearly said ‘park’ and hopped down.  Stinker.

 

Feeling Guilty Tuesday, Dec 14 2010 

Beginner Blogs and Complaints and Elder Issues and Musing , , , kwlaff 5:51 pm

A very good friend of mine lost his father last week.  It was not unexpected, as his father had been suffering from ongoing, worsening complications of  a stroke.  His decline was at least two years in the making. But regardless, it doesn’t necessarily make his passing any easier, and certainly not when the public goodbye is a spectacle for the ‘current’ wife, that fails to recognize his father had a life before her.  Including two grown children. Such a shame. I feel for my friend and his family.

And I feel guilty, as I am struggling with my parents.  The death of my friend’s father brings home how lucky I am that both of my parents are still here. They are showing signs of failing physical and mental health, but still here.  I am happy they are still around.  I say that up front.  I am, however, struggling with their increasing needs of me and what I see coming in the future.  I’ve been down this path before.  I know the signs and I know where the path leads.  I kid myself that I am in denial, but I am.  Each time I talk with Mom, and she is confused, has forgotten something or some other issue arises, I feel sick to my stomach, and may even have a small panic attack.  Her ‘forgetfulness’ is so much like my MIL, which if you’ve read any of my postings, you know about.  And I ask myself how can I do this again?  And somewhat selfishly, why do I have to do this again?    I feel guilty for even thinking it. But I do.  Think it.

 

Thanksgiving 2010 Thursday, Nov 25 2010 

Beginner Blogs and Musing , , kwlaff 10:07 pm

I have so many things to be thankful for and yet as I sit here I am not feeling very thankful.  Sad but true. Sometimes, while understanding the importance of the big picture, the little picture gets in the way.  And when that happens, it’s a little harder to let the big picture have its day.

We are a product of our upbringing whether we want to admit it or not.  Sometimes the result is to do things as our parents or those that influenced us did them, and sometimes it is to do the opposite. The influence doesn’t stop when we reach adulthood.  Whether good or bad, it continues to mold.

For me the holidays have always been a struggle.  My family didn’t do many big gatherings with relatives for several reasons, all legitimate.  My mother, during my growing up years, was an only child.  (The story of having siblings found later in life is too long for here.)  And for most of my life, we lived states away from her parents.  If we had any, I do not recall holidays at all with my mother’s family.  We also did not normally live close to Dad’s side.  I recall a Thanksgivings spent at Grandma and Grandpa’s if we happened to be living close enough to drive in.  Strangely enough, I do not recall these events pleasantly.  It seems that drama always ensued.

So all this information is to say that I recall most of my growing up years to be Thanksgiving with my parents and brothers.  How factual this information really is, I cannot be certain. I just know that big, nice, warm Thanksgivings with football in the backyard, and cups of cider aren’t what pop into my head.

After marrying, the view changed.  His family is larger and much more involved in our lives.  My family faded out.   Since my marriage, my parents have not hosted one family event at their home.  If we get together, and that’s a big if, it is my home or at one of my two brother’s homes.  Travel is not an issue since we live in the same area, so it’s about arriving to eat, light conversation and going home.   Each year as the holiday approaches, I feel anxiety build.

We’ve hosted many a day, with one side or the other.  Last year we hosted my family, in another attempt to bring some closeness into us, but it was a disaster due to my father and his never-ending talking.  No one could get a word in and some of the topics were out of line.  People fled the second dinner was over.  After years of trying to keep things afloat, I decided to let it go.  I’ve always wanted a Thanksgiving that was my children and their families coming home to us.  Without drama.

My youngest son could not be with us and missed Thanksgiving entirely last year.  I wanted this year to be the make up year and have a nice day with him and my older son’s family.  The plans were made, menu etc.  But, alas, I did not count on my daughter in law.

New to our family, but never one to consider any feeling but her own, my son, my D-I-L and my only grandchild will not be coming here for the day.  Her immediate family is not gathering, with one of her sister’s going to her in-laws, but my D-I-L likes the stuffing her Aunt makes, so they are going to that Aunts house for the day.

So my request for a gathering was ……ignored?…disregarded?….I am not sure of the correct word.  My son,  what can I say, didn’t want to rock the boat.    I guess a compromise decision-making process is not part of their relationship.

So, we are cooking and the three of us will eat the best of the best, watch TV, play Wii, and nap.

And the next time money needs to be borrowed, maybe her aunt can loan it to her.

Bitter, party of one.  Yes, I know.  No one needs to tell me.

 

Time Flies, But Nothing Really Changes Wednesday, Nov 24 2010 

Beginner Blogs and Musing , kwlaff 7:53 pm

I didn’t realize it had been so long since I had signed in a written anything.  And I also didn’t realize I had not placed the last little bit of  my mother in law’s story out there.  I’ll have to remedy that soon.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow.  I am disappointed with the way the plans for the day are turning out, but there is not much I can do about it except accept it.  So I will.  I will have one of my children home for the day.  And I am thankful for that.  If guess if I wanted  to have a huge holiday celebration I should have had more children.

 

Weddings! Expensive! Sunday, Jan 31 2010 

Beginner Blogs and Complaints and Musing , , kwlaff 3:39 am

OMG!  I cannot believe how expensive anything labeled ‘wedding’ is!  Doesn’t matter if is ordinary or not.  If it is attached to a wedding or labeled ’wedding’, the cost goes up.  Period.

We are helping plan a wedding.  Or should I say we are planning a wedding and making it look like we aren’t making all the decisions.  My spouse (remember  S?) is good at this type of thing, organization, and has basically taken over being the wedding planner.  I am good at colors and such.  And the fact the wedding will be at our house….that’s a different piece of the story….but also part of the reason we are so involved.

We don’t have any daughters, but figured at some point in our lives we would be paying for a rehearsal dinner.  And in a more traditional society, that might still be the case.  But tradition is out of the window, and that’s okay. S and I got married at a JP, no big or small wedding for us, and we’ve gotten along all these years just fine.  And it appears the days of a small reception in the church rec room with nuts, mints and punch are gone as well.  Nowadays, if everyone isn’t completely stressed out and broke by the time the wedding day arrives, then something has gone wrong it seems.  Our plan is to remain liquid, as unstressed as possible and still have a nice small, pretty wedding that provides the essentials of wedding held to today’s standards without the cost.  Is that possible?  It better be.

Like we do with almost everything else, we say we will ‘hire it out’ and then price it to do just that and decide we can handle it better and less expensively ourselves.  And then we dive in and get’r done.  S starts making lists. He’s a good list maker.  At least this time, he is checking things off the lists he’s made.

The house is designed to open(double doors) from the living and dining room onto the back porch, but even then it is not big enough to hold all the planned quests inside, so the ceremony and reception will be in the backyard and overflow into the house.    The yard is shaded and fenced, but after the recent drought needs some replanting and such, which we are now planning.  (Too cold right now) We want to have as much blooming as possible.  The rest of the blooming plants can be possible by potted plants on the fences and just sitting around.  The tables and chairs have been reserved.  We decided to include a few higher pub style tables for standing at for those that like to mill around.  The tablecloths have been arrived.  I thought it would be a nice touch to hang some coordinating curtains on the porch, and have ordered some.  I am looking for some ribbon to match the colors now for tie backs and other things one would use ribbon for.

S has handled cakes for weddings before and plans on baking for this one as well.  He is taking decorating classes now to up his game.  The cake part will taste good and he wants the decorations to look as good.  The food to be served is still under discussion, although we already have all the items needed to serve it.

Looking at invitations. Tons of options online.  This should be….  ummm ….    fun.

 

Double Life? Really? Wednesday, Jan 6 2010 

Beginner Blogs and Musing , kwlaff 11:01 pm

It’s taken me some time to admit it (and I’m not sure writing it here counts since I’m not admitting to anyone that knows me) but I am leading a semi double life.  And the more I think about it, the more I wonder how many others out there are doing the same thing.

It started innocently enough I suppose.  I do one type of activity with one group of friends.  And other type of activity with another group of friends, which happens to include my husband.  And the two don’t mix.  And I don’t talk about the one group to the other, because I know there would be disapproval.  AND, here I am, at this age and I’ve  never told my parents about one set of friends, once again because of the disapproval factor.  I feel the need to point out it’s nothing sinister, I just know they wouldn’t approve, and I just don’t need/want that situation to cloud anything else.

So in a strange way, I have a “closeted’ life.  There is the life I show to others and the life I don’t.  The life I share with some, and the life I share with others.  The life I talk about, the life I don’t.

My double life.  You want details?  Do you do things you don’t share with others in your life?

I wonder.

 

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